shit you should never do on facebook:

1. never let your girlfriend have your facebook password. I mean for one thing, she's obviously going to read all your messages and try to get mad at you for anything. but most importantly, she WILL update your status, thus making you look like you're dating a prat. GIRLS: if you have your boyfriend's password and you think this is cute- it's not. it says "Hi, I have low self-esteem and I wish my boyfriend thought of me like this." 

2. irrelevant song lyrics under your pictures. ok so I put on an entire stick of eyeliner and then took a web cam picture....how should I let people know that I have more depth than this? I can use emotional song lyrics. <-- this is not the answer. 

let's take this picture for example: "A real friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out <3" I'm sorry, but to me it appears that you are alone taking selfies in your backyard. if your friend walked in when everyone else walked out could they have at least held the camera for you? 

"so disfunctional" and "this describes our relationship so well"

how to use the above phrases properly


A) So disfunctional: first of all dysfunctional is spelled with a y. use this caption when you are making an album of a school dance. when you make this the caption of your photo make sure at least one person looks like absolute crap. it's really cute!!!!! especially when the two people in the photo are dating. it's like publicly admitting "hey, we're not always perfect." 
B) This describes our relationship so well: usually these are candid shots. for some reason when you find them on your camera, you think "wow this honestly describes us so well!" but when the picture looks like this:

I'm like wait so your relationship is best described as two people who often take bad pictures? or sometimes it's like you and your best friend looking fake-mad at each other, and I'm like that's a weird relationship. or boyfriend and girlfriend standing 10 feet apart looking awkward. what are you trying to say? why would you want people to know that. I have honestly never seen a picture of two people who look normal and happy with this caption. 

I love the Christian Mission and the Missionary position

Dear Anne,
I'm 17 and I love to have intercourse, but on top of that, I always update my facebook status with verses from the bible. I'm worried that people will think I am a hypocritical cunt. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Hypocritical Cunt


Dear Hypocritical Cunt,
This seems to be a common predicament for teenagers. They wonder, if perhaps I have a lot of sex while I also push Jesus down people's throats, will people find me hypocritical? The answer is a definite yes. If God is as important to you as you say, they why are you engaging in premarital sex? It's really one or the other. God vs. Sex. You choose.
Yours Truly,
Anne

FHE: a place of mediocrity, a place of christianity, a place of protocol

What is Forest Hills Eastern? 
Forest Hills Eastern is a school that prides itself on its mediocrity. Want a great education? Come to Forest Hills Eastern. You can guarantee that your teacher graduated from one of these 3 schools: CMU, Cornerstone, or Calvin. All three are very prestigious; so, regardless, you know you're being taught by the best. 
If you are not currently practicing the Christian faith, FHE will do its best to change that by your graduating year. Here at FHE we have Prayer at the Flagpole, Bible club, and choir concerts. Come praise Jesus with FHE Chorale! At the fall concert, chorale sang "Praise His Holy Name" "A City Called Heaven" and "Operator (give me Jesus on the line)". All three songs pushed me closer and closer to God. I may even be able to skip holy Sunday this weekend. 
FHE is a place of protocol. Do not draw a gun in class. You will be sent to the office and your parents will be contacted. There is also a list of protocol questions your counselor will ask you. Albeit there are students who are seriously disturbed, your gun drawing will receive top priority- it is protocol. 

the rules of spanglocuntism

the difference between spanglish and spanglocuntism is that in the latter you actually go the extra mile to sound like a complete prat
1. always speak in a loud voice (smack tongue inside mouth interminably)
2. never speak an entire sentence in spanish.
3. use the word "like" 
4. purposely mispronounce words (dietetica like dieta-tatica)
**If you follow all these steps correctly your sentence should come out to this**
Senora, like como se dice like good in spanish like para when it is para like estar?

get a cell phone

so you're fourteen. you have a boyfriend. big deal, right? so obviously you want EVERYONE to know. and I love hearing about it too. 

subliminally, publicizing your love on facebook is your way of warding off jealous sluts. you want them all to know 'I am 14, and we are in love so back the FUCK off' 

no one is trying to get with him. so, get a cell phone. 

Save some gorgeous for the rest of us! Share some gorgeous?

The stupidest phrases known to facebook: 

a) save some gorgeous for the rest of us:  it’s like who are you talking about? you’re speaking for the entire human race? who gave you permission to do that? also, there’s not like a pot of gorgeousness that one gets her looks from. so how is she supposed to leave some “for the rest of us” 

b)  share some gorgeous: **first of all, do not respond to this comment, they're just looking for a return compliment** how the hell are you even supposed to do this? if you’re ugly, you’re going to stay ugly. it is impossible to share your good looks with another person.